I have so much compassion for my parents. They had the best intentions. They loved me and my siblings in the best but broken ways they knew how. They did better than their parents. They were in a brand new cultural landscape. They had wounds and traumas pushed way down, but that often unconsciously surfaced in their parenting.
And despite their best: I was hurt. I experienced trauma. My ACEs score is 6 out of 10. I had to name the toxicity for what it was and for what it did. And the ways it seeps into my days even now.
I heard a call and I became a mother. I could not let the cycle continue. I decided, for me, for my ancestors and for my descendants, we’ve had enough. We’re all done here.
It has gone something like this:
Acknowledged the harm and hurt.
Felt all the feelings.
Brought the compassion inward.
Felt more feelings.
Turned the compassion outward.
Saw flaws and shadows in myself.
Held myself accountable.
Saw hope for healing in myself.
Did the work. Doing the work.
See hope in my three babies.
The way that we are choosing to parent and move through our lives with expanding awareness is detoxifying our lineage. For some of us, the gift of our parents’ flaws is that we have a roadmap for where we know we will not go. We can feel gratitude for knowing that and know that our best will be better.